Lying hurts! As parents we want to know that our children are honest and we can trust them. For many parents, realising that their child lies, causes dismay, anger and often deep concern. However, we all lie at some time, in one way or another, so we should not be surprised that our children do as well. Understanding why children lie enables us to respond appropriately and realistically.

So why do children lie?

In young children, imaginary friends and other such fantasies are related to play and are a way to process information and experiences. To adults, the stories may appear far-fetched and unbelievable, but children have little concept of what is real and what is fantasy – so the lines become blurred. Most parents understand that imaginary friends are a natural stage of development that will pass, however children do need to understand that misbehaviour can’t be blamed on an imaginary friend.

In older children, lying can be a way of fitting in with their peers or a response to avoid getting into trouble, or to deflect trouble on to someone else. It’s a basic reaction – a tried and tested technique, not always known to be successful, but worth a go.  Children will often lie to avoid shame, embarrassment or disapproval from their parents. They will lie to avoid something they don’t want to do – or to get something they want. It can be a ploy for attention or a way of keeping a secret or protecting someone.

Tips to promote truthfulness

1. Show children how to be truthful by demonstrating this yourself. Be aware of your own behaviour and the ‘acceptable’ lies we sometimes tell. Being able to get your child into the cinema for less because you knocked a year off their age may be of benefit to you – but what is the message this sends to your child?
2. Focus on why it is important to tell the truth, acknowledging that being honest isn’t always easy. For younger children use stories that support honesty like ‘The boy who cried wolf’.
3. Always give specific praise to your child when they tell the truth. Children need to know what it is they have done that you are pleased with – “Good girl” can mean many things whereas “thank you for being honest” allows your child to link praise to what they have actually done and promotes honesty.
4. Have realistic, developmentally appropriate expectations of your child.
5. Think about whether your child is lying. Could they be telling the truth or have genuinely made a mistake? Sometimes we get it wrong and later find out something is true. If you do get it wrong always say sorry.
6. Take a deep breath before plunging in. A calm, measured response will have a more positive effect than shouting, criticising and shaming.
7. Try to avoid putting your child in a situation where they are compelled to lie. Forcing a confession from a child will often put them under pressure to lie even more. Be reassuring and give them the opportunity to rethink their answer “I don’t think you have cleaned your teeth today, it is hard sometimes to remember.”
8. If you know that your child is definitely lying, getting into an argument won’t help. State calmly “I know that’s not true. I understand that it’s hard to tell the truth sometimes. How can we sort this out together?”
9. Use appropriate and consistent consequences for lying. If consequences are too harsh, it will encourage lying. Deal with it quickly – and then move on.
10. Never label your child a liar. This reinforces the behaviour and prompts a child to lie. Remember it is only the behaviour you don’t like. To see less of it – give it minimal attention.

Sarah and Michelle run a company called Purple Parenting, offering positive behaviour support through individual work, groupwork and workshops. Email purpleparenting@gmail.com to arrange your free 30 minute consultation to help with resilience, anxiety, aggression, potty training, sleep, tantrums, fussy eating and more.