The Clingy Child
Most children go through a clingy stage at some time or another. This is a normal stage of development which most children pass through with little problem but as parents it can be frustrating and difficult to deal with. I think we have all been there, trying to grab 2 minutes to ourselves, sitting on the loo with a crying toddler banging on the door.
For babies, realising their parents are separate from them can bring on feelings of anxiety and distress. When a baby is first born, they see themselves as an extension of their parent, with no understanding of being a separate person. As babies grow, they start to become more aware that they are detached and independent from their parents and will often cry when they are left, too young to realise that their parent will return.
Clinginess is really common for children under 1 and it can continue until 3 or 4 years old, depending on the child and their family circumstances. However, throughout a child’s life there may be times when they experience separation anxiety and cling to parents more than usual. These are often related to changes in their lives such as, starting school or nursery, the arrival of a new baby, or life changing events such as divorce or bereavement.
Managing Clinginess
Babies need to feel secure in order for them to explore the world around them and grow into confident, independent children and young adults. As a parent responds consistently to a baby’s emotional and physical needs, a loving, trusting relationship develops. This leads to a positive, lifelong bond that is the foundation for a child’s emotional health. Nothing builds confidence more in a baby, than a secure, loving attachment with their parent or care giver.
Right from the start, involve your baby in their day to day care such as nappy changing, by talking to them and letting them know what you are doing. In time, this will lead to your baby taking a more active role in their own care and will encourage independence. For babies, games of peek-a-boo and hide and seek, not only develop understanding of being separate from their parent, but also reassures young children that parents will return.
It is important not to ignore, overly discourage or punish clingy behaviour but to recognise that your child is showing you that they need to feel close, safe, secure and comforted. Ignoring or punishing clingy behaviour may cause your child to become more anxious in the short term and over time, less likely to come to you when they feel scared and fearful. Help your child to identify and understand their feelings by saying, for example, “You want me to play with you, I need to cook dinner. Dinner first, then play.” This gives your child a clear message, helps them express their feelings and start to understand what will be happening.
Structure, routine and repetition help your child feel more secure, particularly if there have been changes in their week such as starting nursery/school or changing contact arrangements with a parent. Talking through their day and saying, “You are seeing Daddy today. I will see you again after dinner”, lets children know what will be happening and when they will be seeing you again. With help from parents, children do adjust to changes and become more assured. From an early age it is important to encourage your child to carry out simple, age appropriate tasks which build confidence and resilience and give them a sense of independence and control. The more confident a child feels about themselves, the more secure they will be and able to recognise that they are capable of doing things without you.
Managing Goodbyes
Leaving your child, even for just short periods can be difficult for both parent and child. Here are a few simple tips that can help in that transition:
- Start by practising short goodbyes. By leaving your child for a short time – initially even just for a few minutes with a trusted carer – over time, reassures your child that you will return and builds their confidence up in you.
- Remember to always say goodbye. It can be so tempting to sneak away when your child is not looking and busy playing but, a child quickly becomes vigilant, anxious and reluctant to leave your side for fear that you will disappear if they do not watch your every movement or hold on to you.
- Be brief, if you stay longer when they become upset, they will continue to prolong goodbyes to stop you from leaving.
- Use a consistent phrase, backed up with a gesture such as a quick hug or a high five when saying goodbye and always let your child know you will be returning and when. Children have little concept of time, so giving them a point of reference, such as returning after lunch, will reassure children and allow them to predict and rely on your return.
- Make goodbyes positive, letting your child see you smile and wave happily. It can be difficult to hide our own anxious feelings at times but it is important that your child experiences goodbyes in a positive way.
Clinginess can be really difficult to cope with, but it is usually temporary and passes once children adjust to changes. If your child is struggling and experiencing a lot of distress over a prolonged period always seek further advice.
Sarah runs Purple Parenting with Michelle Cooke, offering positive behaviour support through individual work, groupwork and workshops. Email purpleparenting@gmail.com to arrange your free telephone consultation if you want help with clinginess and anxiety, tantrums, anger, aggression, sleep, and more.