Three Little Words…
“I HATE YOU!!” – Why does it hurt so much? Why does it evoke such strong emotions and feel so personal? It’s just a short little phrase, but it can have such a devastating effect, hold so much power and have the ability to stop a parent in their tracks. Where have we gone so wrong in our parenting, to cause such an aggressive rejection from our child when we couldn’t possibly love them more?
Often, those three little words can take a parent back to an earlier time when they were feeling rejected, isolated and afraid themselves. As a result, it can either cause a knee jerk reaction of “I hate you too” or lead to a deep felt need to immediately turn that rejection into acceptance and love.
Why do children say it?
“I HATE YOU”, is often used when a child is overwhelmed by their own strong emotions, but has no way of expressing these effectively. A child will lash out at those they love the most, knowing and trusting that a parent will always be there for them regardless of how hard they push. They feel secure in the relationship and understand that they will not be dismissed and rejected. They know beyond all doubt that they are loved.
A child may also be looking for reassurance, watching for a parent’s response, wanting and needing to hear and feel how loved they are.
Children often learn very quickly how to push our buttons – what has maximum effect and therefore maximum reaction. In a world where children often feel powerless, those three little words can be immensely powerful. When a parent says “No” to a demand, “I hate you” can lead to a change of heart from a parent, turning the “no” into a “yes”. For many parents this feels better than the harsh rejection from their child.
What can we do?
Although those three little words cut deep, try to remain calm – answering with a swift, “I hate you too” reinforces the power struggle, escalates behaviour and leads to feelings of rejection in your child.
So how do we start to change this behaviour? We all have feelings and emotions, but children do not always understand or know how to express them which can feel overwhelming and frightening in itself. By understanding that “I hate you” comes from strong feelings, parents are able to respond in a way that diffuses outbursts and over time leads to children being able to name and manage their own strong emotions more effectively.
By remaining consistent with boundaries and reflecting your child’s feelings back to them, a child begins to recognise and understand their own emotions. For example, by saying, “I can see you are feeling angry because I would not give you more ice cream”, gives no direct attention to the “I hate you” and allows a parent to give a calm, measured response, rather than a tense, hurt reaction. When everything is calm, reconnect with your child and enjoy the hug, without giving further attention to the outburst.
It can be very tempting to ask a child why they are feeling or behaving in a certain way. However this can cause more frustration and anger. If a child is able to express themselves successfully – they will without being asked why.
Finally, remember that children get angry and in that moment they may hate the situation or your boundaries, but they don’t hate you. They love you and you love them unconditionally, so they will test and push you harder than anyone else. Your child’s behaviour is normal.
Sarah and Michelle run a company called Purple Parenting, offering positive behaviour support through individual work, groupwork and workshops. Email purpleparenting@gmail.com to arrange your free 30 minute consultation to help with anger, aggression, potty training, sleep, tantrums, fussy eating and more.