Nightmares and things that go bump in the night! 

This is the first of two blogs written on nightmares and night terrors. Although they have similarities, they are very different in when they occur, how they present and how they affect children. Most children have the odd nightmare or two, they are very common, but understanding what may be going on from your child’s point of view, helps us to support our children more effectively.

I still get the occasional nightmare, they are disturbing and scare the life out of me (and my husband, as I emit some really weird noises!). They feel very real in the middle of the night, but as an adult, I know what they are and when logic returns the next morning they are diminished, ridiculous and I can laugh at them. They affect me in that moment, but I am able to use rationale and reasoning, so the feelings of fear quickly disappear and are forgotten. For children, it is very different. The feelings of fear can be overwhelming and terrifying and depending on your child’s age, difficult to express. So how can we support our children in the best possible way when they have a nightmare?

Nightmares

Nightmares occur in our most active part of sleep – REM (rapid/random eye movement) sleep. It occurs in the second half of the night and is most common between the hours of 2 and 6 am. In REM sleep, our eyes randomly move back and forth quickly and although there is still much to learn about it, what is known is that it’s the time when we dream – often vividly, with some dreams causing us to wake. Some of these dreams, can be nightmares. With a nightmare, a child will often wake abruptly, be frightened and want comforting. They remember what happened and may be able to tell you about it. They may find it hard to re-settle and will want you close, as a reassurance and to enable them to go back to sleep.

Nightmares usually happen between the ages of 3 and 6 years, but they can happen earlier, depending on your child’s development. At this stage, your child’s imagination is progressing rapidly. A fear of the dark may appear – where a child previously slept in complete darkness without the need for lights – they will now want a night light on. Programmes on TV that were previously watched with no concern, now take on new meaning and cause fear and anxiety. ‘Monsters in the cupboard’ arrive and show their ugly heads and it doesn’t matter how much reassurance you give to your child, they feel real and frightening.

What can we do?

• Don’t dismiss your child’s fears as silly or trivial – they are very real to your child. Listen, reassure and try to understand what your child is experiencing.
• Give them a night light. This may feel like a step backwards as your child has never required it before, but it can really help. Before putting your child to bed, go into their room when the night light is on and check for scary shadows – making your child’s room a safe space for them can be as simple as moving an object or a toy away from the light.
• Play games in the day such as hide and seek. Start downstairs, in daylight and encourage your child to look for toys that you have hidden, with you in another room or downstairs. Eventually as your child’s confidence increases, use toys that glow in the dark in a dim light.
• Encourage your child to have a security blanket or toy that stays in bed with them. This gives a child a feeling of safety and security. Make sure it is never removed as a punishment.
• Be aware of TV programmes and story books that can be frightening. Watch your child’s reactions and listen to what may be worrying them. Children find it very difficult to distinguish between fact and fantasy and as a result, everyday programmes on the TV and stories take on new meanings.
• Encourage your child to remain in their bed. It may be that you have to sit with them until they go to sleep (if absolutely necessary), but give them minimal response and encourage them to fall asleep independently as soon as possible. Some parents find it helpful to reassure their child, then leave, promising to return in 2 minutes. This can encourage a child to fall asleep on their own, knowing their parent is not far away and will return as promised.
• A dream catcher can help. It doesn’t work for all children, but can act as useful imagery. Letting them make and decorate it with you, can give you the opportunity to talk about it and offer reassurance to your child
• Discuss your child’s fears in the day – not at bedtime, when your child is about to go to sleep. This can trigger feelings of fear and anxiety and cause the dreaded nightmare to retirn.

Hallowe’en

At this time of year, it is more important than ever to be aware of what scares your child and how they manage fear. Nights are drawing in and there are many creepy images in the shops designed to spook us. Some children will love this, almost thrive on it – but others won’t. For those that don’t, it is impossible to keep them indoors for the whole of October, so make it appropriate for your child and it will be so much more enjoyable for everyone.

Have a happy Hallowe’en

• As an adult, there may be nothing better than scaring yourself witless with tales of spooks, ghouls and ghosties – but your child may be totally different. Go at your child’s pace. Make it fun rather than scary. Watch and observe them closely, if it’s too much for them, take it down a notch or two.
• Prepare your child for Hallowe’en early. Reassure them that scary monsters are not real. Let them see and touch the costumes to give them a greater sense of what they really are – fun but fake.
• If your child doesn’t want to dress up – accept it. It really is up to them. It might be that they do not want the full outfit on, but can manage a witch’s hat or cat’s ears perhaps. Lower your expectations and go with your child.
• Find fun, alternative activities. It may be that trick or treating is out, but hiding the sweets around the house for a treasure hunt (probably not in the dark) for all the family to find, is much more fun. Carving a happy pumpkin as opposed to a scary one, allows a child to feel included in all the celebrations, but not overwhelmed.
• Above all else, enjoy it at whatever level you feel is right for your child.

Happy Hallowe’en everyone!! Mwah, ha ha (sorry couldn’t resist!)

Sarah and Michelle run a company called Purple Parenting, offering positive behaviour support through individual work, groupwork and workshops. Email purpleparenting@gmail.com to arrange your free telephone consultation to help with, sleep, tantrums, fussy eating, anger, anxiety, aggression and more.