Play is essential for all children. It enables them to grow and develop, learn about the world around them, their family values and relationships, cause and effect, communication and social skills and improves confidence and self-esteem. The benefits of play for children really has no limits. So is there value to play fighting? Is it something we should encourage? Why do children enjoy it so much and how do we teach them to understand when it has stopped being fun?
Michelle and I are often asked about play fighting or rough and tumble play as it is sometimes called, not only from parents but also from staff in nurseries and schools who see it first-hand. It can cause uncomfortable feelings in adults, trying to gauge when it has overstepped the boundaries and has turned into something more aggressive and destructive. So, to put some minds at rest – play fighting is very common and is actually a developmental phase that most children go through. We often associate this type of play with boys but girls enjoy it just as much. They appear to do it less than boys but is that nature or nurture? – Who knows and that is a debate for another day.
Many parents and children enjoy play fighting together – it’s fun, energetic and exciting. There is a wealth of research that recognises and values this type of play and understands the benefits both children and adults gain from it. It helps children learn about their strength – and also the limits of their strength. It teaches turn taking and builds resilience and also allows children to learn to adapt to unpredictability. Play fighting enables children to act out fantasy roles they would never experience in real life. How often have we seen famous actors, describing their latest role and how much fun they had playing ‘the bad guy’? We understand and recognise, that this does not become their reality. For children – surrounded by rules and boundaries, play is often one of the few things they can be in control of. How exciting and fun must it feel to act out games and imaginary roles through safe play, that allow for rule breaking, destruction and aggression? Play fighting enables parents to teach children about reading body language and facial expressions so they can understand when it is no longer fun for them or other children and start to calm it down, although this does take time and practice!
Remember there is a difference between play fighting and real aggression. Play fighting will imitate aggressive acts, but in a safe way and in fact research has shown that this type of play is NON aggressive. If you look at children’s body language while they are play fighting, you will see laughing and smiling, if there was real aggression you would see crying, anger and spite.
Children need to learn that play fighting is only fun when all those playing are enjoying it. Setting initial ground rules for rough play can help. If the play becomes too aggressive, the play should be briefly stopped and re-started in a more appropriate way, reinforcing the original boundaries that were put in place, reflecting on others feelings and identifying body language and facial expressions. This gives children the skills they need to learn to read those signs for themselves. It can be as simple as saying, “Joe is looking sad, remember no hair pulling this time”. If your child frequently crosses the boundary into real aggression it can be helpful to try and move play onto something different before it becomes aggressive.
It’s important to acknowledge that it does take time for children to change from vigorous, highly energetic play to a calmer activity. Give them time and space to calm down, accepting that going from rolling around on the floor, having loads of energetic fun to sitting quietly and still at the table eating dinner, is not going to happen in 5 minutes. A gradual wind down can help and sets children up to succeed rather than fail.
Often adults carry on play fighting with their children, even when they (the adult) have been hurt. Children need to be told when they have hurt another as they need to realise when play fighting has become too aggressive and calm themselves down, sometimes with support from a parent. This takes practise but over time a child will learn what is acceptable and what isn’t and will play within boundaries – mindful of others.
Above all else, rough play should be fun, whether it’s with parents playing with their child, or children playing together. Be observant and watchful for signs of real aggression or it becoming too rough – but remember to have fun. Sometimes just looking back on our own childhoods and remembering the fun we had being chased by monsters, playing ‘it’ in the garden or just rolling around on the floor pretending to fight with a brother or a sister is justification enough for play.
Sarah and Michelle run a company called Purple Parenting, offering positive behaviour support through individual work, groupwork and workshops. Email purpleparenting@gmail.com to arrange your free telephone consultation to help with play fighting, sleep, tantrums, fussy eating, anger, anxiety, aggression and more.