What is resilience?

It’s the ability to manage the inevitable challenges we all experience throughout our lives such as sudden change, loss, trauma, threat and stress. It enables us to cope with the knocks of life and recover quickly from adversity. . Every child is different – some children seem to come with a built in resilience and are able to bounce back quickly; others are just more anxious and find challenges overwhelming. The building blocks of resilience are forged in childhood and allow us to persevere and overcome difficulties making it possible for us to adapt to new, often unexpected circumstances.

We often think of childhood as a carefree, happy-go-lucky time, but this is not always the case. Although as parents we want to protect our children from adversity, in reality this is not possible. However, by nurturing resilience in our children, we are able to support them in developing the skills and qualities they need to cope with whatever life has to offer.

When a child is resilient, they are more able to explore the exciting world around them. They are more confident, adaptable and able to cope with stress. As parents we are able to foster resilience in our own children – encourage it and build on it. It’s like an emotional bank account – the more parents put in – the more children have to draw on when life gets tough.

What can we do to nurture resilience in our children?

1. Focus on your child’s strengths – there will be many. Build your child’s confidence in their own abilities, making sure any responsibilities you give to your child are appropriate and achievable.
2. Praise – this sounds obvious, but your child needs to hear what they are doing well in order for them to feel confident in their own abilities and raise their self-esteem.
3. Encourage your child to problem solve without relying on you to constantly step in. If your child is upset that a toy has been taking from them by another child, acknowledge your child’s feelings without offering a solution. “I can see you are upset that your toy has been taken – how can you sort this?” Praise your child when they come up with their own solution.
4. As hard as it is – don’t remove all risks. Of course children need to be safe and secure but by avoiding any element of danger, children are not able to test their own limits or learn essential skills. Would you have ever mastered riding a bike if you had not been given the opportunity to learn – even though it probably involved you falling off a number of times?
5. Allow your child to achieve success and to make mistakes. We all learn through our own failures and children are no different. Making good decisions is a learning process and part of that learning is to get it wrong sometimes.
6. Help your child to manage feelings. Children often have feelings that are overwhelming – by reflecting these back to your child – “I can see you are angry”, enables your child to understand that strong feelings are Ok and teaches them to name and cope with their own emotions more effectively.
7. You are a role model for your child. They learn from you and your behaviour. They are influenced by your own ability to cope in difficult situations. If you have a meltdown when you see a spider – chances are your child will too. As parents we can’t get it right all the time, but acknowledge when things go wrong and work out together how you could have dealt with it differently.
8. Set clear and consistent boundaries. These enable a child to feel safe and secure. They will of course push and test at times, but this is part of the learning process.
9. Make sure your child knows they are loved, valued and appreciated for who they are as an individual.
10. Finally, never underestimate the importance of positive, loving relationships in your child’s life. They are the corner stone to fostering resilience.

 

Sarah and Michelle run a company called Purple Parenting, offering positive behaviour support through individual work, groupwork and workshops. Email purpleparenting@gmail.com to arrange your free 30 minute consultation to help with resilience, anxiety, aggression, potty training, sleep, tantrums, fussy eating and more.