Smacking is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as to: “Strike (someone or something), typically with the palm of the hand and as a punishment.” 1 I have, in the course of my parenting and professional life, spent much time debating the age old argument of ‘to smack, or not to smack’. It is a subject that evokes strong reactions, both for and against, as people consider their own parenting and how they were parented.
So let’s get the legalities out of the way – I don’t know if they are the clearest set of guidelines but here goes – The 2004 Children Act states it is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack a child, except as “reasonable punishment” 2. It does not clarify what reasonable punishment is, but definitely excludes hitting a child and leaving a mark, or using an implement. Hope that helps!
I know there are those that say in the right circumstances smacking can be appropriate. In fact, to get it out there, I have – as my grown children will testify – smacked in the past. It was extremely rare, I immediately regretted it and it made no difference. I made a personal decision to stop. The aim of this, is not to be sanctimonious or ‘holier than thou’, but rather to state the argument against the use of smacking and advocate other, more effective and positive ways to discipline a child.
Firstly, does smacking really work? Does it change a child’s behaviour from a negative to a positive and prevent the behaviour from happening again? Does it teach a child to resolve conflict in a non-aggressive way? In my experience, I would have to say ‘no’. It rarely changes a behaviour – particularly long term. Many parents I have worked with say it has no positive impact on their child’s behaviour, with the child appearing not to care.
Some will put forward the case for smacking in a measured, controlled way, saying this has the desired effect. However, it’s often used as a last resort, when tempers are frayed and lost, resulting in more force being used than originally intended. This can set up a cycle of parental guilt which ultimately leads to the parent apologising to the child meaning the original behaviour is forgotten and the apology becomes the focus.
What is our child’s understanding of smacking? We tell our children not to hit others yet smacking sends the message that it’s OK to hit someone else, if they have done something we don’t like, especially if they are smaller and less powerful. Smacking is often remembered by the child as deeply unfair and can lead to them trying to avoid discipline, by running away or lying. In extreme circumstances, it can injure a child physically and damage the parent/child relationship.
Finally my issue is this – would it be ok to smack an adult? If we were talking about using it in the workplace, to bring colleagues in line with our way of thinking we would at best lose our jobs and at worse be charged with assault (although I dare say some have been tempted!), so why is ok to smack a child?
So what can we do? What will make a difference to your child’s behaviour?
Here are a few simple tips that can help:
- Think about why you smack and whether it is working. Try to identify what behaviours push your buttons and think through an alternative consequence to smacking that you can put in place consistently.
- Make any consequences age appropriate, immediate and realistic for your child. If these are planned beforehand, they can be easier to put in place and can prevent behaviours and tempers from escalating.
- Let your child know the behaviour you DO want. We often prompt and reinforce the very behaviours we want to see less of. For example, if your child likes to run off when out, “Don’t run off”, will often see a child immediately bolt. “Hold my hand” encourages positive behaviour.
- Think about why your child is behaving in this way. Are they attention seeking to get a reaction from you? If so consider using distraction and redirection so they don’t get attention for the behaviour. These are slightly different in that the first means diverting a child’s attention completely away from their behaviour, whereas the second means offering a similar but acceptable alternative. For example, to distract a child from shouting (making sure you completely ignore the shouting) you might say, “Come and look outside at the birds”. To redirect, you could whisper, with your fingers on your lips, “Use your soft voice”.
- If things are getting heated, take time out for yourself. This gives you space to breath, think through how you want to react and allows you to respond to your child’s behaviour in a calmer more effective way, rather than losing control.
Sarah runs Purple Parenting with Michelle Cooke, offering positive behaviour support through individual work, groupwork and workshops. Email purpleparenting@gmail.com to arrange your free telephone consultation if you want help with smacking and consequences, tantrums, anger, aggression, sleep, and more.